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The White House didn't just get a new team, but a whole new language.  George W. Bush brought
with him many friends from Texas, and for anyone not born in the Lone Star State, the Texan redneck accent and the cowboy colloquialisms can seem a bit strange.  Here's a guide to a few of the more colorful expressions you might encounter:

 

As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party.  (self-explanatory)

 

Tighter than bark on a tree. (Not very generous)

 

We've howdy'd but we ain't shook yet. (We've made a brief acquaintance, but not been formally introduced.)

 

Just because a chicken has wings doesn't mean it can fly. (Appearances can be deceptive.)

 

This ain't my first rodeo.  (I've done been around awhile.)

 

Time to paint your butt and run with the antelope. (Stop arguing and do as you're told.)

 

You can put your boots in the oven, but that don't make 'em biscuits. (You can say whatever you want about something, but that doesn't change what it is.)

 

In Texas, folks aren't just rich-- locals say they didn't come to town two to a mule.

 

Someone doesn't merely die-- she opens herself up a worm farm.

 

A classic, it's a succinct and subtle way of perpetuating the everything's-bigger -in-Texas myth. It also recalls another legendary (if less flattering) quote long attributed to Union General Phil Sheridan, who was posted in Texas after the Civil War: "If I owned hell and Texas, I'd rent out Texas and live in hell."

 

He don't care what you call him as long as you call him to supper.

So big he has to sit down in shifts.

Fat as a town dog.

His butt looks like two hams in a tow sack.

He's all spread out like a cold supper.

 

Lots of Texans are apt to spin a tall tale on short notice, but some are prone to talking with no notice at all. An observer might note of such a 'live dictionary" or "chin musician" that "he speaks ten words a second, with gusts to fifty." The most common construction, however, is "he could talk the [blank] off a [blank]" -- maybe "the legs off a chair," "the ears off a cow," "the gate off its hinges." This handy fill-in-the-blank form easily adapts itself to the speaker's experience or view.

 

She could talk a coon right out of a tree.

He's got a ten-gallon mouth.

He blew in his own words.

He'd worry the warts off a frog.

She's got tongue enough for 10 rows of teeth. (That woman can talk.)

 

Say you're an expatriate who just moved back to Texas. Upon your return, you might be "happy as a hog in slops" or "happy as a boardinghouse pup." More convoluted phrasings include: "The greatest thing since...(apple burr to bare feet); "She took to you like...) a buzzard to guts; a sticker burr to bare feet)"; and "I haven't had so much fun since...(the hogs ate Sister; the legs fell off Nell's hamster)." Try using one of these, and your spirits will rise like a corncob in a cistern.

 

Fat and sassy.

If I felt any better, I'd drop my harp plumb through the cloud.

I'm cooking on a front burner today.

We're in tall cotton.  (Things are going well)

She's got a lot of stars in her crown.

Fine as cream gravy.

Finer than a frog's hair.

 

Texas has four seasons: drought, flood, blizzard, and twister. That old saying isn't far from wrong. Because of its sheer size, Texas experiences all kinds of weather -- sometimes all at once. Out in West Texas, the weather can be drier than the heart of a haystack and windier than a fifty-pound bag of whistling lips. A duststorm is dubbed "Panhandle rain." Need a Texas-ism to describe the heat? No sweat. There are dozens of steamy similes for summer suffering (not surprisingly, there are far fewer for winter weather). How hot is it? It's hot as the hinges of hell; hot as a two-dollar pistol; hot as a stolen tamale. It's hotter than whoopee in woolens, hotter than a preacher's knee, hotter than a fur coat in Marfa. See? It's easy to get hot talk down cold.

 

So hot the hens are laying hard-boiled eggs.

Hot as a summer revival.

Hotter than honeymoon hotel.

Hotter than a burning stump.

Hot as a pot of neck bones.

So dusty the rabbits are digging holes six feet in the air.

The wind's blowing like perfume through a prom.

So windy we're using a log chain instead of a wind sock.

It's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs. (We really could use a little rain around here.)

"Wetter than a cucumber in a women's prison"  (stolen from Capt. Dan, Austin, TX.. It's SELF EXPLANATORY.. an I AIN'T goin' THERE!!!)

 

She's lucky. Of course, loyalists would argue that all Texans are lucky, simply by virtue of being born Texans. But this saying conveys the extreme auspiciousness of a four-star fortunate.

 

They tried to hang him, but the rope broke.

He could draw a pat hand from a stacked deck.

He always draws the best bull.

He's riding a gravy train with biscuit wheels.

 

Texans are unabashed braggarts. This saying separates the seasoned boaster from the rest of the crowd.

 

She's got more airs than an Episcopalian.

He's all broth and no beans.

He broke his arm patting himself on the back.

As full of wind as a corn-eating horse. (Rather prone to boasting.)

He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow. (He has a pretty high opinion of himself.)

Big hat, no cattle. (All talk and no action)

 

Staunch moral values--as professed publicly, at any rate--remain a constant in the Texas character, and woe to those who act otherwise. This quotation is a beaut. Not just women are targeted in such zingers: A similar remark for a man is "He'll take up with any hound that'll hunt." Obviously, when it comes to Texas talk, immorality is fertile ground.

 

Loose as ashes in the wind.

She's just naturally horizontal.

He was all over her like ugly on an ape.

They're hitched but not churched.

He was born on the wrong side of the blanket.

They ate supper before they said grace. (Living in sin.)

 

Another great saying tied to Texas' love of the land. Expressions for "stupid" are the second most common in Texas lore.

 

If all her brains were dynamite, she couldn't blow her nose.

The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving.  (Not overly-intelligent.)

He couldn't find his butt with a flashlight in each hand.

If brains were leather, he couldn't saddle a flea.

He couldn't pour rain out of a boot with a hole in the toe and directions on the heel.

Sharp as a mashed potato.

 

One of many marvelous references to "crazy." Quite a few such descriptions spring from vintage homemaking or housekeeping terminology --consider also "She came right off the spool" and "He's missing a few buttons off his shirt." Obviously pioneer women were just as capable of coining colorful colloquialisms as were the men.

 

He's got a big hole in his screen door.

She's a couple sandwiches shy of a picnic.

The porch light's on but no one's home.

Her phone's off the hook.

He lost too many balls in the high weeds.

He's overdrawn at the memory bank.

 

In short, he's ugly. Expressions for homeliness are the most common of Texas sayings. This stellar and venerable example paints a picture, tells a tale, and cracks a joke, all in twelve words.

 

So ugly his mama takes him everywhere she goes so she doesn't have to kiss him goodbye.

She looks like she fell face-down in the sticker patch and cows ran over her.

She's so ugly she'd make a freight train take a dirt road.

He's so ugly his cooties have to close their eyes.

He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch. (Not the most handsome of men.)

She looks like she's been rode hard and put up wet. (The woman's lookin' a bit rough.)

 

To break a horse is to train or domesticate it. This saying means a person is ornery, dangerous, and mean-- in essence, that he can't be "broken." Use it to convey that my-family-has- ranching-roots allure.

 

Meaner than a skilletful of rattlesnakes.

So low he'd steal the nickels off a dead man's eyes.

She makes a hornet look cuddly.

Meaner than a junkyard dog.

He'd start a fight at the drop of a hat-- and he'd drop it himself.

A scoundrel is "greasy as fried lard"

 

There's some overlap here with expressions for "shy" and "nervous," but the "scared" file includes such gems as "She wouldn't bite a biscuit" and "She backed out quicker than a crawfish." A saying as as old as the state itself is "He's first cousin to Moses Rose," a reference to the man (also known as Louis Rose) who has long been said to be the only coward who fled the Alamo before the seige.

 

Yellow suits her.

He's as yellow as mustard, but without the bite.

Scared as a sinner in a cyclone.

Scared as a cat at the dogpound.

If he was melted down, he couldn't be poured into a fight.

 

Timidity is not an attribute many Texans would care to claim, but perhaps the very rarity of that quality makes it saying-worthy.

 

Shy as sapphires.

Shy as a crocus.

Whey-faced.

I feel like a possum trotted over my grave.

 

Skittish horses have inspired many an equine expression. Consider "He won't stand hitched" or "She's chewing her bit." Other apt examples: "She's so nervous she has to thread her sewing machine while it's running" and "He's as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a roomful of rockers." But one saying in this category reigns as the undisputed classic: "Nervous as a whore in church."

 

Jumpy as spit on a hot skillet.

Calm as a june bug.

He makes a pressure cooker look calm.

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